Ugh. Alright, here we go.
Everyone is allowed to have their emotions. That's totally true. And I think it's good to feel a variety of things. BUT I hate it when my friends are sad. Seriously. And I feel like I have to fix it. I feel like I have to make it better. When someone is sad or angry, my first thought is "Did I do something?" My second thought: "What can I do to make it better?" And when the answer to the second question is no, it KILLS me. I hate not being able to fix things. I'm a fixer. I can't help it. My dad's a fixer. I guess I learned it from him. I hate knowing that anyone is sad or hurt (physically, emotionally, mentally) and that there's nothing I can do to make it better. I guess that's one reason I want to be a doctor: I can fix people, at least physically. Even if I don't know them, or their family, or what they did yesterday, I would be able to help them. (Was that a comma splice? Oh well.)
I'm beginning to learn that, most of the time, I can't fix it. Whatever IT is. And you know what? It doesn't feel good to figure this out. It seems that lately, when one of my friends is having a bad day, or feeling sad, there's nothing-ABSOLUTELY NOTHING- that I can do. And it hurts. So I've started to avoid people when I know they're sad. Horrible, huh? Doing that completely goes against every instinct and nature I have. Because when I'm around someone, and they're sad, especially if I can't fix it....well, it makes me sad. And I hate being sad. So I have to choose between being with someone and being sad, or being without them. And that's a hard choice. Either way, I'm not as happy as I could be. I hate not being happy. I try my hardest to stay happy, and I like it that way. Even when I have a crappy day, I still try to find at least one thing to smile about. And I've gotten pretty good at doing this. But when I'm sitting next to someone, and they're sad, and I can't fix it... it's hard to find anything to smile about. (I have a feeling there are a bunch of comma splices in this post. Curse you, Harward.)
I don't know. This probably isn't making any sense... :S
I just know that... Well, I'm sick of people being sad. I'm sick of not being able to make people happy. I'm sick of people being sad because of me or something I said or did. I'm sick of not being able to laugh and smile because people are sad. It's stupid. I'm a happy robot, and I like it the way I am. But it's becoming increasingly harder to stay a happy robot when everyone around me is sad.
Annnnnnnyway, on that happy note. ;) I'm outta here.
*corky*
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7 comments:
I think I know how you feel. We gotta talk.
My thoughts, exactly, Court. Especially that not being able to help thing--it hurts to not be able to do anything.
I'm still always around if you want to talk. I may not spend as much time on MSN, but I am still a phone call or e-mail away. :-)
Hey, did I write this and forget about it?
I almost could have. I am a fixer, too. Especially with girls. Except right now there's some fixing needing to be done to myself.
Is there anything I can do? (Told you I was a fixer.)
Spencer
lol Spencer. ;) I guess we're alike in the fixing thing. :D Acually, I think things are fine now. But thank you for asking, it really means a lot.
Anything I can do to help you? (Fixers Unite.;) )
*corky*
No I'm fine right now, thanks! And you are more than welcome, any time! You don't have to thank me!
FIXERS UNITE!
Hey you mind if I use that slogan? Me likes! 8)
Go for it. ;) You can totally use it, but I get to use it too. :D It is a pretty sweet slogan. ;)
You can use it too. And I'll credit you.
FIXERS UNITE!!!!!!!
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